Tuesday, October 7, 2008


This picture was after a rainstorm. It was the first full rainbow I had ever seen in my life which seemed to touch down at the site or an organic biodynamic farm I did some work at this year.
The picture is fitting for the post because there is a rainbow for us all.
Has this been a year of changes for you? Change is hard, isn't it.
Yet the divine call for change cannot be ignored because often it will be in your face until that happens.

For me, it was a difficult year with suffering.
After a long winter of working very long hours to make ends meet while my husband was not working, my body just gave out.
It began with a bubble and the feeling of a UTI, which thankfully at that time, chickweed, cleavers and dandelions were a bloom and I would go out in my yard and eat and harvest like a little rabbit.
My insides felt as though they were trying to come out of me and I had a tender bubbly mass that sometimes rested in the pelvis and sometimes moved upward toward my stomach.
I of course was under a dr care every 3 months post cancer, but all checked out fine in that department.
I called the doc several times to explain what was happening and all they said was you are doing to much.
Well shit, I am a 42 year old woman. I am not doing anything that difficult that other women my age are not doing.
The plants were so important to me and often they gave me aid, but I still had deep seated pain in my body that nothing could releive.
I of course still kept going physically as best as I could, but inside, my light was dimming and very fast too.
I felt close to death. It was intense, painful and extremely REAL.
One day I went to my herb cards and pulled the top one and it was angelica. I thought ok, I will go take some.
Within 10 minutes of administering a dropper of angelica tincture, the bubble in my stomach melted away. In that moment I said to myself I AM FREE. I felt it. Like a mother giving birth, the mass was gone.
The next day, still gone. Today still gone:) YAY angelica. I knew I needed to get to know her more.
But the other extreme pain was ever present.
I had a healer tell me I had cancer all over and that in 4 months she could clear me out.
So I got a cat scan. Almost $2000 in debt from that, NO CANCER.

The messages that came to me for a couple months was that I needed to be in a healing place in the valley of the Tetons.
Thinking that was crazy and rebellious, I fought it at least 2 months. Patriarchy still had a hold on me that to save myself, I must follow the rules, be a good wife, even though it was killing me.
I did plan a 3 week trip to the Tetons to bring my 10 year old son to see his dad, who had open heart surgery in May. I really thought that because I am GOOD, I would come back after 3 weeks and not rock any boats of rebelliousness. So I only packed clothes for all three kids and I for a weeks worth of wearing.
The rest of my vehicle was packed with my older sons things they had in storage.

The first week I was here, I was in a fog. My soul had some spark ignited, and all I could think of was that I was BAD if I chose to stay. So I waited on this for perfect signs to be clear of what I would do.
But the messages were that if I went back, I would die.

As I battled in my mind and heart making the right decision, the day I chose to make it final, my engine blew up in my vehicle leaving me stranded here.
Talk about making my decision set:) After that, an affordable apartment opened up for me. I have an incredible view from my window. A healing view of the mountains which brings peace to my soul.
In three months time my health has improved. I feel my strength and youthfulness restored. I have learned more about myself in 3 months, good and bad.
I have friends, and I am close to my sons. They tell me often how wonderful it is that I am here and how they really feel good that they see I am happy.
I get time in the wilderness with the plants. Seeing them grow and in this season die or rest, has been awesome for me as an herbalist.
I feel peace with them.

So what do we do when we are called to change? Well, if we are, I can assure you it will be in your face until you respond.
That is difficult. And the emotions get shaken.
Being content is also important, however being content YET unfulfilled is not.
We are called to keep changing and growing to become what we need to be.
This time of change for me has not only brought physical and emotional healing, but has enforced my betterment as a mother to the most important people in my world.

And one thing to share here is death. I felt so close to death. I asked people to visit with me to have coffee or lunch sometimes because I needed some laughter or personal time to keep that fire from going out.
Even though these people knew how difficult it was for me, they were too busy to meet.

And I realized that friendship is about supporting your loved ones through their difficult times and that I truly did not have those supportive ones in my life like I should have had.
That fortunately has changed in my life, which is probably one of the important points to the healing that has occurred.
The other thing I want to share is judgement and condemnation.

While in this terrible state of health, I got nasty letters, and strong confrontations that I was not in church and that I needed to get into the bible and get that community to be well. That I was bound to do bad things because I was not in church.
Now how the hell does that help anyone?

Telling a person they are bad when they are already down to their lowest point without being bad, could never help anyone.
My spiritual life is completely different now that I have had the freedom to practice as I feel is right in my own heart. It is glorious to me.
Breaking free from patriarchy is one of the greatest healings that has occurred.
But it took a huge leap into the unknown to bring that into fruition.
And that is why change is scary and we fight it.

So back to death, as healers, we need to be aware of the suffering not only in body, but of soul and mind that a person is going through when they are failing.
As natural healers, Compassion and Love needs to be the voice that guides us to helping them deal with their situation, and without compassion and love, we are only helping them dig their grave.

It is not about what we know, because none of us knows it all. It is not our ego nor our personal achievements that should lead us.
The people need compassion and love.

1 comment:

tammy said...

thank you Kristena for sharing this. I am so glad that you are feeling better and finding what you need. This topic hits a nerve with me as I find my 42 year old self in a similar place of discontent, feelings of guilt, indecision, like I'm out at sea and can't figure out how to get myself back to shore... I feel a big change is coming, but I just can't see into the darkness and I don't know exactly what I need to do... anyway, thanks for letting me ramble and thanks for speaking to my heart today